An Open Letter to Douchebags Who Tell Me to Smile More

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 09:  Kanye West at 106 & Park Studio on April 9, 2012 in New York City.  (Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images)

Hi there,

I’m going to start off this letter by simply saying: FUCK OFF. I say this because, chances are, if I’m walking down literally ANY street on planet earth, some idiot such as yourself if going to find something to say that will elicit that exact response.

I could make this letter the world’s longest rant about all the horrible things men say and do to me when I’m just taking a leisurely stroll to get some fro-yo, but I think everyone gets the picture. I personally made it through 5 years of  braving the San Francisco streets by verbally retaliating at my harassers without getting mugged or raped, but I’m not saying that’s a guarantee.

Look, if you are a creepy constructor worker, hobo, bored dude on his lunch break, or you know, someone with a penis, I guess this is just your way of dealing with your insane levels of testosterone and I feel bad for you. Enjoy your life as a sad perv.


This goes out to non-pervy men, elderly guys, police offers, bus drivers, and anyone who thinks TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FACE is alright, I’ll say it again: fuck off.

I discussed this in my RBF blog, but seriously, who the hell walks around town smiling all the time? I could literally be in the happiest mood of my life and I’m still going to be like “Hi mister bus driver! Check out how straight my smile is! I had braces!” YOU DON’T GET TO SEE MY TEETH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Telling someone to smile is actually super rude. It’s none of your business. I don’t give a shit if you think I “look prettier when I smile”, you are a complete fucking stranger at Souplantation and your opinion holds no value.

I don’t even care if you give me the double Sarah Palin guns and yell: “Give me a smile!” the only thing you’ll get from me is a middle finger, potentially two. Not only will I not smile, I will silently plot all the ways I can kill you and your extended family with a look of pure hatred.

You know, it’s one thing to walk the streets and hearing “Nice ass!” “How much?” “DAMN BEEZY!” But telling me to smile is the worst of the worst.

I hope you choke on  a corn dog later.



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