The Ex Factor


While you’ve all been busy celebrating anniversaries, planning your weddings, and reproducing, I have been working my way through the highest quality losers in San Diego. Just kidding I’m not that slutty. But I have done a bit of dating, and I’ve been trying to decide how I feel about being friends with exes.  Should you do it? Can you do it? How do you do it?

This is difficult territory, especially if you’re dating someone now. Most likely, your significant other (especially if they’re of the lady variety) will not be into you being friendly with your ex. I am one of these types. I trust most men about as far as I can throw them, and I don’t think there are any guys out there I can pick up. However, given the right amount of time, I can see how it’s not super threatening.

When I’m dating someone, I like to pretend that it’s a clean slate: that there are no exes, no “one that got away”, no lingering feelings, and that somehow I am now the most satisfying and adorable woman in their life. This thought fades away after about a week. Once you learn her name it’s all over people.

The dictionary defines friends as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Do you fuck your friends? Like literally, do you have sex with them?  I’m sure my best friend Stephanie McDaniel wishes that were true, but alas, you do not bone your friends. Haven’t you seen that Justin Timberlake movie? I know it’s even scientifically proven that girls get all attached with sex, but I think it goes both ways. I’m no scientist; I just think men are more emotionally unstable than they let us know. If you are having sex with your ex you are not friends. I can’t tell you what the fuck you are, but ‘friends’ is the wrong word.

I have always been into the idea that once you break up with someone, they die. Obviously not actually die, but they are dead to you. Being cordial is nice and all, but I don’t see any good coming from saving numbers, remembering birthdays, or keeping in touch with family members. I have done a shitty job of sticking with this plan, but I bet that if I did, my life would be a lot less complicated.

Obviously you and your ex had a few things in common at one point besides each other. I’m sure you had fun together and still have some similar interests. Ask yourself: WHY do you want to be friends with this person? Are they that valuable?

Friends are the people in my life who pump me up, support me, make me food, text me for no reason at all, watch shitty TV with me, and make the world a better place (and I hope I do the same for them). If your ex is this person, by all means, be friends.

I can only assume that holding on to the past makes the future a little less clear, but what do I know?

If you really want to stay friends with an ex I’d ask Hugh Hefner, he’s super good at it.

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