I Can’t Even


I am well aware that I haven’t been posting a) as many blogs as I used to and b) blogs that are as bitchy and cut-throat as when I began. There are a couple reasons for this but as much as I like to put my rants out into the world there are also some things that I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep to myself.

I was waiting at line in Jamba Juice today thinking what the fuck could I possibly write about today and was basically coming up short until the cashier called me hon. I have very few female friends in my life and I kind of don’t like women in general, especially when they say things like “hon, babe, sweetie” and we don’t even know each other. Below you will find a list of things that girls do that I think are annoying. Enjoy.

Make-out pics with the BF. I just don’t even understand how you prep for these. “Ok let’s kiss and take a picture!” “Let’s ask that Asian family to take a picture of us embracing!” I don’t understand. I think they’re awkward to look at and there’s really nothing wrong with just, you know, smiling. Most of us get really bored scrolling through 80 profile pictures of you and your 6.5/10 dude so please don’t be foolish enough to think that putting your lips together will somehow entertain us.

Matching outfits. Twin day was fun in like, 4th grade, but stop. I know every girl that’s ever gone to Stagecoach is like what the fuck our matching tanks that say “whiskey makes me frisky” are so cute! But you know what, no, they’re not.

Trying to look messy. Take it from a girl who is straight up slob and wrote a 700 word blog on how to wear yoga pants, I CAN TELL that your “messy bun” took 80 tries. And hello if you have winged eyeliner on under your glasses you were really working hard at that “effortlessly chic” look. Stop confusing men into thinking we look good without trying, you’re really making everyone look bad.

Lecturing me about fake tanning. Last time I checked I don’t look like Snooki and showing my vag to every 16 year old at Hollywood Tans for a spray tan isn’t my favorite past time. It is a FACT that everyone looks better tan, and I have absolutely no qualms with keeping my summer glow year round. You sound like a complete dipshit when you tell me how “unhealthy” my tanning bed habits are while you deep throat Del Taco and spend the entire night binge drinking Jamo. Thanks for the tip, as always though.

Saying you don’t diet. This is way more of a celebrity issue than a basic girl issue but STOP. I am 5 feet even and barely weight a buck-ten and even I have to diet and exercise. I have skinny genetics sure but get real, people. Bitches who say that are literally just trying to hurt your feelings. “I never work out, I just love to eat giant chocolate chip cookies and you know, stay active!” Oh my godddddd.

Alright, I’m drained. See you in a few weeks maybe.

2 thoughts on “I Can’t Even

  1. Literally thought about that twice this week! The in the moment kiss pics. I’d laugh. They kiss so pretty. And then the fourth time bc the first three would be fails my bf just would say no

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