I’m going to preface this by saying that I know it is my second (indirectly, third) post about hating on weddings and if that bothers you, you can suck it and go back to Pinterest browsing, because it’s HAPPENING.

The other night I was hanging out in bed eating Sees chocolates and for some reason the news was on. My TV is rarely on any other station besides Bravo but I couldn’t find the remote (it was under my ass) so I let it slide while I polished off another delicious chocolate morsel.

I was distracted by this segment, which featured these awful couples who use the site gofundme.com to attempt to convince random strangers to donate money for their wedding ceremony. Did that get in the first time? THEIR MOTHER HUMPING WEDDING. Not their sick dog, or their failing liver, or the School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good…their stupid wedding.

Yeah, that’s totally where we should be donating our money. Screw cancer research! Well done, you self-absorbed pricks. The fact that the news put some positive spin on this shit is just a shining reminder of why I don’t watch it. God forbid you go to the court house or get married on your front lawn like regular poor people- just ask US to pay for it! Better yet, since you are so broke and basic, how about you just don’t get married at all?! You obviously can’t afford shit, so what, you get people who do have money to finance your big “pay attention to me” ceremony and then go register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? Fuck these people, seriously.

Then this little wiener of a white guy comes on screen and says some crap like “I really think people want to see us happy”. You know what, no, we don’t. You know what people want to see? They want to see iPhone 6s, hover crafts, and for their friends and loved ones to stop suffering from bullshit diseases. I guarantee these stupid couples are the same ones who boo hoo about Obamacare and have no idea that the cost of college tuition has gone up 1000%.

Christian kids from my school use gofundme.com to send their biblical asses to 3rd world countries to build houses. I went on the home page yesterday just for shits and it was all about sick cancer kids and people who lost their houses to natural disasters. You know, shit that matters. THAT is what the website is for.

Little douche on the news, I just want you to know that you and your soon to be wife are an absolute waste of space for using that site for your own personal satisfaction. Are you going to make a new donation page when you need our help to afford your divorce lawyers too?

Mazel Tov, just so you know, YOU SUCK. And I’m done.

*drops mic*

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