It’s Not Me, It’s You


Or, “Male Habits That We Need to Stop Supporting”

1. An unhealthy obsession with sports- I grew up with a father who would cause our dogs to piss all over the floor because they were so scared when he’d start yelling during Charger games. Whenever they’d fuck up or lose (so pretty much all the time) my dad would lock himself in his room or for the rest of the day or drive around town to cool off. My mom still says that part of the reason she had to get a divorce was because he gave her an XXL football jersey for Christmas one year. But my dad’s not the only one. I have a friend who isn’t “allowed” to text her boyfriend during baseball games.  I saw a male friend of mine cry over a basketball game in a crowded bar. My ex boyfriend related his favorite soccer team losing a game to all of the Kardashians dying. That’s where I draw the line.

2. “Being honest”- If I had a dollar for every time some dumb woman said “well at least he was being honest” after every rant I went on, I could have bought a much better vibrator by now. I seriously hate when people say that. Why do men get an award for being honest? You don’t get a free pass for telling me you were banging my boss before you got caught. You know what I am, all of the time? Honest! I don’t get any applause for telling you that your penis is small.

3. Correctly identifying feelings- Men get forgiven at the drop of a hat for saying things like, “I was scared” “Everything is so confusing” “You hurt me”. Oh you magical creature! Here, lay down- let me bring you a glass of milk. Big deal. Women experience and acknowledge our feelings every moody second of the day and you know what they get called? Bat shit crazy. Men do it and they’re “sensitive”. If you’re going to continue to promote the idea that you’re the stronger, superior sex, I am not going to bring you a Snuggie every time you fuck up because you were “scared”.

4. Saying that they like natural girls- Rightttt that’s why Playboy is such a successful magazine. Just stop saying it. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. I have a hair dresser, a waxer, a tanning salon, and a Schick Quatro for a reason.

5. Spending too much time in the bathroom- Seriously. Why does it take you that long to poop? It makes us nervous.

6. Reconnecting with an ex- It’s never okay. EVER. Don’t like her pictures on Instagram, don’t comment on her lame Facebook status, don’t text her! I don’t care if she’s about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, you do not take that bitch’s call.

7. Saying they’ll “never do” something- I’m not saying to argue with your dude on this one, but I take every “I never” with a HUGE grain of salt.  My ex said he’d never buy a girl jewelry unless it was an engagement ring. Tell that to my diamond earrings and Michael Kors watch I got two months later. Just saying.

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